Journal Entries

January 11, 2021Happy New Years!!! I had chemo treatment #49 on 1/6/21. I hate chemo as I am sure anyone that gets it does. The week after is the worse. The nausea and pain is annoying. I know it could be a lot worse. I just hate knowingly making myself sick every three weeks. This is one week I wish I could just stay in bed for. I’ll get through it like I always do. I just feel so down and depressed during this week. I always have to find ways to smile. My back started hurting on Saturday. Turns out it is swollen along my spine. Checked it today, and it is still swollen. I am nervous because I know my cancer was in a lymph node located next to the spine. I am worried, but going to try hard not to think about it. That is the way it is when you have cancer. Any problem you have you worry it’s “the cancer“. I want to make two bucket list this year. One that has things I can do during a shelter-in-place and one with things I can do if the world ever opens back up. I will only look at list that is applicable to my counties current status. This way I don’t spend the year staring at a list that contains things I can’t do. The past couple of years have been tough. I’m tired. I’m just tired of it all. What emotion hurts the most? Anger or sadness. Either way I see they are both negative emotions and I don’t like to feel them. Yet I have to fight through every day to keep them from taking over. Even more so the week after chemo and the day before. I’m a whining baby today. I am just really feeling it.

December 4, 2020 – Hello. It’s been awhile. I had my last scan 11/2/20 and I’m still “stable” or NED. This December makes one year since I started getting my chemo treatments every three weeks instead of every two. My quality of life has greatly improved. I still battle with muscle weakness, on and off bouts of nausea, neuropathy pain, and of course appetite issues. Appetite is my number one problem. I am still struggling to eat solid foods. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t usually feel hungry. This entire year has been good and bad. Good in that I felt grounded and more at peace than I did in 2019. I have been feeling more hopeful, positive, and focused. My neuropathy has improved. I can walk and stand longer. My hair is even growing back. The bad part for me has been putting my bucket list on hold. I was supposed to go to Las Vegas this month to celebrate my birthday with my bestie. COVID has shut that down. I wasn’t going to gamble. My bestie lives out there and I just wanted to curl up in some warm pajamas, drink hot cocoa and maybe a few shots of tequila (already cleared the tequila through my Oncologist. He said no to margaritas because of the sugar 😜) and watch some Sci-fi movies while we talked and laughed. I miss them. My other best friend was trying to meet us out there too. So now I’m disappointed, but I’m not giving up. I will just hold onto my faith that this too shall pass and I will get to take that trip as well as many others.

April 14, 2020 – It has been a while since I have been on here. Covid!!! It has benched me. I am on quarantine as many of us are because of my “underlying condition”. If I did not have this “underlying condition” I still would be at home because everyone but the managers got sent home. I some times wish I could work from home. In the mean time I have just been driving my husband and 15 year-old crazy because they are pretty much it for me of the people I get to see. One thing I did do that I am very proud of is I made a decision not to have chemo on 4/10. They called me and cancelled my 3/20 chemo and I was devastated and worried. I thought it over and realized it probably was best for my immune system not to have it. I then had a phone appointment on 4/9 and I ran my idea of skipping my April chemo so that I can keep my white blood cell count up in case I do get Covid. Since I have been stable for so long they agreed with me that I may be okay. I am supposed to have chemo on 5/1, but they are aware that I am planning to skip that one as well. I will have a Pet Scan in mid May and get the results on 5/22. I am praying that I will remain NED during this time of not having chemo. Am I nervous? I sure am. Especially since I have not had chemo since 2/28. I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette with my life. However, I have a strong feeling that I am going to be okay. Even if something shows up on my Pet next month I still feel like I will be okay. I told Oncology, if something shows up, we will hit it hard and go from there. I do have to say that I feel fortunate to be in a position to choose treatment or not. In the mean time I am getting ready to help my son finish up his freshman year through Distance Learning. I have been upset not being able to work because I was so excited to have returned to work. In due time I will be back. In the mean time my doctor said my main job is to keep taking care of me. They also said this “there isn’t any proof that all of what you are doing is working, but at this point we have to acknowledge something you are doing is working”. It felt so good to hear them say that. She told me to keep doing what I have been doing. Even asked me about the COC protocol and told me to make sure I keep on it and to keep taking all of my supplements. I sure will!!! I hope the rest of you are coping well. I have been praying for all of us.

February 29, 2020 – I just want to say I am touched by all of the people that have reached out to me. I tried to go in and respond to some of your emails. I am currently doing chemo right now so my energy level is real low. Give me a few days to pick back up and I will go in and respond to all of those that have sent me emails. 😘

February 16, 2020 – My first journal entry on my blog. I am still trying to figure out how to maneuver around Word Press. 🙂 For the most part I got most of what I have been wanting to share on here. I am sure I will continue to tweak it, make grammar changes etc., as the days pass. Happy Sunday!!!